posting is funny

 ok... i will try something new and be more clear. this is a log full of my doubts

i've developed a bit of "posting shame", specifically in terms of art

before, as a kid, no matter what i would post my very friendly friends (who only had good intentions) would be happy for it. i didn't have the "refined" taste i do now, so if they were happy, i was happy and that's all that mattered

i can guess a few reasons as to why this changed. the posting environment became unfriendly and geared towards numbers and speed. i got older and started knowing better. everything came to feel more instantaneous

i did fall into the trap of posting slop for attention again (terrible to admit!), but i realized that if i ever wanted to sate myself, i'd have to stop and spend more time with my art

this meant posting restrictions. only on instagram, only on fridays, every other week. and, this is fine, its worked out well so far. engagement isn't my greatest priority anyway

there's still a few of issues, though

1. the lack of feedback can make you feel pretty bad. it's the typical artist's dilemma of "is what i'm making/saying worth anything at all?" and i know (maybe falsely) that no amount of comments or likes will fix this because it's a feeling that can only be eased through self-acceptance and self-love... or something

2. the unease of having to post consistently. to me, this exacerbates the feelings that come from creativity being a gamble. actually, this issue i have a handle on, thanks to "a course in demonic creativity" (which is not about demons) ....

the tldr is, as an artist, you have a process unique to yourself. if you fully get to know what works for you, it'll be easier to tap in. in the novel, there's an example of Rudyard Kipling, who would only use the "blackest" of inks for his writing because he knew it would give him the greatest output

to be honest, i'm not sure how to end this so i will be honest and say that i'm glad i wrote this. i guess i could have journaled this (sorry, posting shame again) but posting it made me take an outsider's perspective for a second. ^__^